Thursday, February 23, 2006

Grab Bag

This is just going to be a mess of rambling, a grab bag of sorts, you don't know what you will get.


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Broken:

I am up late again, 1 a.m., for the 5th day in a row. What is wrong with me? I am not tired right now all that much although I do know I should be in bed. I know in the morning I will be exhausted not wanting to budge from my new perfect Tempur Pedic bed. Ah, yes...I finally am sleeping in a real bed! If only Itty Bitty would stop crying from her Pack N Play I could sleep the day away but she will not allow this to happen. Why does she not understand that Mommy IS tired? One day she will understand. I go to bed late and sleep late and that is why my house is a mess. I also have absolutely no motivation to speak of.

A friend of mine thinks I am depressed. She may be right, probably is. Even my own mother mentions that she thinks I am in a state of depression. What does she know, she is 5 hours from me. I joke and say "Yeah, I am crazy and depressed." and laugh it off. I refuse to admit to her that she may possibly be right. Why have I not gone to the doctor? I don't want to admit that I am "broken". Will my husband understand? I don't know. I've tried to have a conversation beating around the bush about it, never coming out and saying the word depressed. He says I just need to relax and not let things bother me so much. Easier said than done.

My "symptoms":

1. Tired, constantly. Could go to bed early and still want to sleep the day away.
2. Irritable, even when it is not PMS time.
3. Change in weight. I've always been "big boned" but since I've gotten married I've gained a
LOT of weight.
4. Back pain. I have 2 herniated discs in my lower back so this may be from this.
5. Difficulty concentrating and remember anything. I feel like I am 80 years old and
cannot remember anything to save my life.
6. Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless. I apologize for the stupidest things that I know are not
my fault. Worthless part...I don't feel like I am "worth" anything in the outside world. I know
I am worth something to Elizabeth but that is about it.

Comments welcome.

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Inspired By Beth:

As mentioned before I've ventured into the craft of making jewelry. I have made bracelets for two different support groups that I am involved in with Itty Bitty. I've sold a heap of them. I really enjoy making them too. Silly thing, I don't have one yet of my own. I am also planning on making one for a support group that my friend moderates so she can offer them to her group. I need to get started on those.

I plan on setting up a booth at an upcoming festival here in my little town. It is the "Catfish Festival"...pretty hick, huh? I need to get very busy with this little venture. It is March 31 through April 2nd. The cost of the booth is low, $35, not bad at all. I just have to spend a little, okay a lot, of money to stock up on my supplies to make stuff to put in the booth. This also means I have to spend a lot of time making items, time that I can't seem to find. Itty Bitty allows no time for creativity as she is into everything and her new favorite past time, trying to eat dog food. Lovely. I have some good ideas and need to get them rolling. The weekend after the festival is a pretty big trades day that I am going to try to get a space in. Am I crazy or what??

When I get some of the things made up I am going to try to get pictures of them up on the internet.

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Baby Fever:

I have a high fever, Baby Fever. Yes, I am definitely crazy! Admit me now! My cuddly baby is gone. She has morphed into a tempur tantrum, dog food eating, little person. I went through her drawers and closet last week to weed out the clothes she can no longer wear. Little T-Shirts I will always love because they were the first things she could wear while she was in the NICU with all the wires and tubes entangling her little body. The dress she came home in, the dress she wore for her first professional photos and the one she wore the day we had her dedicated to the God that blessed us with her. What do I do with these things? Can I keep them all or do I need to let them go? I don't know if I can.

I see new baby's and my fever rises. I hear their cries and I melt. I want to feel those fluttery movements in my womb again. I want Elizabeth to have a brother/sister close in age. If I could choose of course most of all would be a healthy baby then I would pick a little boy. I would have my girl, then my boy and then I would be able to adopt my little girl from China. God has really put it on my heart to adopt from China. I don't know why but He has.

Charts, thermometer, and OPK's. These are what my world revolved around a few months before I got preggers with Itty Bitty. It took us a year and a half to conceive. I wanted it so bad to see those 2 lines. I bought the books, checked cervical mucus, position and softness, took temps and recorded them all. I think all of this stressed us both out even more. I threatened my DH with a turkey baster, ask only if you are sure you want to know. I don't want to have to go through this again but I think I will have to for awhile. I have low progesterone levels and feel that I have been pregnant before but due to my low levels my body does not realize it and sheds the lining. I need to have documentation of my cycles for my doctor to look at so he does not think that I am just impatient. Okay, I am impatient but still. So, after I start my next cycle which should be around the middle of the first week of March I shall resurrect my purple basal body thermometer. Happy charting to me!

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Tired:

Okay, I am tired now. I hear Itty Bitty crying in the bedroom. She is snuggled down, or was, with her Daddy. They are SO cute when they are sleeping. Last night, well 2 a.m. this morning, she was playing peek-a-boo from under the sheets and giggling because she knew she should be sleeping. She was so cute and I will remember that moment forever. Just me and her, giggling in the dark.

1 Comments:

Blogger Tijmetje said...

Amber, I'm sorry you're feeling kind of rotten. I think it would be a good idea to see your doctor about it.
Is it easy to get therapy where you are? From what I remember from the year I studied psychology, talking can help as much as pills. Though it might take a little longer, there's no difference in happiness after four weeks. I think. It's been a while.
Some general advice I can give you is to eat loads of fresh fruit & veg and get some excercise. Oh, sleep is very important, too, but I think you already figured that one out.
A few weeks ago, I was very frustrated and just generally unhappy because I didn't get the sleep I needed.

This link has some info. http://www.dbsalliance.org/info/depression.html

In the mean time, have some hugs. Really, I have plenty to go around.

7:26 AM  

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